Tuning into the underlying truth?

I am still calm. I am trying to keep my wits about me. Still plugging away at the plethora of issues to be resolved. Still standing. Not weeping. Not melting down.

But what do I notice when I dig deeper about where I am right now?

Truth be told, today was a hard day. Bad news on a number of fronts. Grants that did not go through. Job searches that are turning into dead-end streets. Contacts and leads in job searches that we were banking on turn out to be not so solid. New grim realities with the legal and financial situations. Our four year old was bullied on the playground and came home with bruises (emotional and physical). Our little miss sunshine was weepy. My energy and patience were waning. The hits kept on coming.

Here is what I notice when I tune into the underlying truth.

Being present and being thankful takes a whole lot out of me. At times, it is like an out of body experience. I notice the stress welling up inside as we discuss the legal ramifications of x, y or z path. I notice my lack of enthusiasm as I search international development job databases. I feel myself emotion-less as I speak to trusted friends about the details of our mess. I hear myself saying, "I am hanging in there" as people inquire about how we are doing. I listen and observe in dismay as the ever so perceptive four year old is talking about how he is sad that he lost his old paramedic job and can not afford (yes, he used that word) to repair his ambulance.

Oh Lord. Oh Lord. Not good. The day was filled with those moments.

But, I noticed and made some choices. After all the day does not have to be a complete downer. I can do something about it. Give and receive plenty of hugs to all around me. Feel tired but not grumpy. Reach out and just talk to sympathetic ears. Don't worry about what they might think or how they might judge me. Keep searching for jobs. Send out a couple more networking notes. Do some research. Continue to be real about where we are. Reach out. Dig deep. Keep on trekking.

Now I am going to post this entry and enjoy a warm bowl of veggie chilli and comfort myself.