Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Quit: The Uncertainty Rollercoaster

Yesterday, I showed up to blog my way out of my mental-emotional fog. I failed. I thought I would write my way to clarity, compassion, understanding, patience, and action. I did not.

After posting my blog entry, I seem to have jumped on a rollercoaster ride of negative thinking, self-doubt, hopelessness, and anxiety. Among other things. Of course, it does not help that I am sleep deprived thanks to a child who has not slept in ten consecutive days. Oh wait, that is two years and ten days... and counting. No answers came from the much anticipated sleep study. It says, "normal and consistent with night terrors for this age." That's not a relief. That is deeply frustrating.

So, after a worse than usual night, and the dead-end medical report, this morning I was going to call it quits. Quit my business. Quit trying to find answers to what ails little one. Quit trying to find or give support. Quit this authentic living personal growth journey of life nonsense. Quit making big plans for a big move. QUIT.

The rollercoaster that is uncertainty (and by the way, it is Jen Louden who articulated for me what I was riding, and she is wonderfully articulate and truthful) has me tripping. It has me entertaining thoughts like I suck at everything. I am a poor parent. I lack patience. I can't even seem to keep the kids healthy. What am I good for? I have grand ideas but nothing to show for them. I stink at pretty much everything. I can't write. I can't think straight. I can't coach anyone. Yup, I feel the negativity gripping my insides.

A part of me knows I am just having one of those days, so why not just simply get off? Let it go? Pretend it did not happen? Nobody would be the wiser. But, I can't seem to get off this awful ride. So, I am still on the uncertainty-anxiety-fear-negativity rollercoaster. All my usual strategies -- affirmations, deep breathing, prayer, positive thinking blah blah blah -- out the window. At this moment, I just do not have it in me to dig deep and find my center. Maybe I don't even want to. Maybe quitting is the best option right now.

So, today, I showed up on the blog to do what exactly, I am not sure. As you have figured out, I just write on this blog, with no hope or expectation that anything I say means anything to anyone but me. I suppose it is not a blog at all. Just my personal journal wide open for those who want to read. So then, I should take it offline, I am thinking. It serves no other purpose, so offline it must go.

Sometimes, quitting is the only thing that makes sense. I quit.

And, look, I am off the roller-coaster. Go figure.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're going through so much. Aside from you and your needs (which I know are different) you are *really* good at what we do: your deep breaths, perspective, pushing, brainstorming, giving space, holding space, articulation, and more. I'm sorry you feel so offcenter. I hope you get more of that soon.