Reinventing myself... again

I have been mute. No urge to blog. Not much to verbalize either.

This happens to me when I am stewing. What am I stewing about?

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver

This is the question that keeps me up at night. It follows me around. I can not hide from it. It keeps me mute. It makes me mad. Why? I am raw with the knowledge that this life is precious, fleeting, impermanent. Each day is given to us but not a given. So each day that goes by that I am not living purposefully and fully, is a day wasted.

I want to count. I want my actions to matter. I want my days to have meaning and consequence. I fear that time will pass me by, and I will have very little to show for my share of this precious time here on earth.

I want to matter.

How will I do this? Stay tuned... I am reinventing myself.

It is exciting to some. It is frightening, daunting, and nerve-wracking too.

Parenting ... oh so much pathwork

This is not an epiphany. Just saying...

My PathWork is so much about my life as a parent. And parenting offers me rich opportunities to rework my goals, aspirations, and life path.

So often parenting work, and yes, it is a lot of work, makes me question myself. So few tangible rewards. So much required. So many instances when patience was not where it should be. Raised the voice when I should have asked a question. Wondering if I handled the melt-down with compassion? So many times when I could go down the path of beating myself up.

It was one of those weeks. The kids were sick. They stayed home with me. We tested each other. I found myself feeling like a failure as a mother. It lasted a whole day. The feeling comes and goes but rarely does it last a whole day.

But today, there was a gift. A parenting gem:

Azad and Virika are sitting in my lap. We are relaxing on the back porch enjoying the gentle breeze. Virika pounds my chest repeatedly.
Mama: "Virika, be gentle."
Virika continues.
Mama: "Virika, gentle gentle."
Azad: "Do you want mama to die?"
Virika stops. (puzzled): "Die? What die mean?"
Mama is stunned into silence.
Azad: "It's when you leave earth and fly into space forever. And go to a building called the Abha Kingdom."
Virika, "Die? Fly away?"
Mama is still silent. Listening.
Azad, "Do you want mama to go away and never come back?"
Virika, "No."
Azad, "Then don't hit her chest. She may stop breathing and fly away."
Mama sigh. Holds and embraces them both. Kisses on each cheek for Azad.

This is not an epiphany. My PathWork is ALL about growing as a parent. Oh, so much work to do... but oh so many (invisible and intangible) rewards.

How to start living when you feel like you're barely existing?

This is the question of the day. Week. Month. Where did April go? I am glad May is here. Another opportunity to start over perhaps?

When I think back to the past month (and the lack of bloggin' therein), I realize I did more existing and less living. What do I mean by that? I found myself going from day to day with little inspiration, energy or passion. I took care of my responsibilities but I am not sure how much I relished them. I did laundry, prepared meals, nursed sick wee ones, did more laundry, wiped more runny noses, played with the kids, and spent a whole lot of time online. I showed up to work, and for the most part, was present, intuitive, and competent. Sure, we went on some enjoyable outings to the zoo, garden, Earth movie, dinners and parks (for the kids' enjoyment, of course). I turned some to do's into ta da's... Sure. The whole month was not a waste. Certainly not.

At the end of the month, I found myself wondering whether I had done anything to move forward in my life. Did I accomplish anything of value? Did I live my purpose more fully? I ask a lot of questions. I am just asking. Not devaluing what I did. Just asking. And, realizing that there were spurts of living in April. But the overwhelming sense is that I went from day to day without much sense of purpose. I call this barely existing. Not living fully.

So how do I know if I am living? I feel energized. I am optimistic. I feel expanded. I am proactive. I make healthy choices. I value my own talents and strengths. I have an internal sense of validation. I do not need praise or gratitude. I practice self-acceptance. When I am not living fully, I am grumpy, self-doubting, and impatient. I feel stuck and constrained. I fall back into old patterns that do not sustain me. I get little joy from what I would normally love. I begin to be harsh about my limitations and interpret oversights as failures.

I am drawing a useful distinction for myself by asking myself daily, "am I living or merely existing?" I am reminded that a life without passion, joy, and purpose is mere existence. I am definitely not content to settle for day after day of not living fully and truly.

I honestly want to know, if you were to live more fully, what would you be doing more of? What would you do less?

This Week's Life Lesson No. 2: Self-kindness-acceptance-care

It's been a week rich in gifts of all kinds. Some of them have been absolutely yummy, and others are still bitter in my mouth. Let me write my way through the maze of mind-racing thoughts and hope for some clarity. Bear with me.

The gift of grumpiness. The kids have been sick. Again. I have been sick with them. Again. Sleep has not been on my side. The little one has been clingy and needy. I have had spurts of calm and humor peppered in between the prevailing sense of impatience and grumpiness. I have noticed myself ready to snap at the kids and partner. How on earth can grumpiness be a gift? Not sure. I know the kids certainly don't see it that way! So, I ask myself how can I just accept myself in this state, albeit undesireable? I am just asking.

The gift of fatigue. I know I have neglected my basic needs: nutrition, rest, exercise, prayer, and mind-stimulation. Any wonder I am tired and impatient. I could easily have gone through the days repeating a familiar mantra "I am tired. I am tired." Instead, I decided to "play" with a question and shared the process with a supportive friend. We held the intention to ask ourselves throughout the day, "what do I most need to do for me right now?" We listened to ourselves, and answered the call. This has been an experiment in self-kindness-care. And, it reaped benefits. I got a massage this week. I ate salads all week. I abstained from gluten and dairy. I rested to breathe for a few minutes. I found ways to get solitude. I decluttered. I made some long overdue calls. I gave and received support. I noticed the fatigue but I was not debilitated by it. After all, is that not self-care?

The gift of making mistakes. I made a couple of significant errors this week. Call them lapses in judgement or mindlessness or plain ego. I am hard on myself. Often when I mess up, I play the scenario in my mind over and over again, and experience the humiliation or embarassment over and over again. This means that what might be a minor error turns into a huge blunder for me. This week, when I noticed that I was about to enter the "make a blunder out of an error" pit, I asked myself how I could practice self-kindness. I even reached out to someone else to play with this question with me. We just asked.

In the midst of what could be a fog of grumpy fatigued blunder, I was gifted opportunities to practice more self-kindness-acceptance-care. It was quite a week. I know I am harping on this, but sometimes all it takes is asking a question. Ask and ye shall receive (kindness-acceptance-care, that is). Ask with someone and ye might receive even more.

This Week's Life Lesson/ Message from the Universe No. 1: Detachment

This week has been rich in numerous life lessons. I tuned in as the Universe sent me some very clear messages about myself and my life. Changes to be made, and others being made.

Lesson/ Message number 1: Detachment. Letting Go so I can Give More.
The Baha'i New Year and first day of Spring. I am ready for a fantastic day with the family. As I rushed to get the children ready and out the door for a long Saturday of fun-filled activities, I lost my engagement ring. We needed to get to swimming class, the library, a Baha'i New Year brunch, Andre 3000's show at the Theatre, and dinner with Friends... I am in auto-pilot mode. I get the kids dressed (up), pack the swim things, get them breakfast and snacks for the car ride, shower, and then strapped into the car. There are three trips back into the house - more diapers. New stockings. Oh, and something else... In the midst of all this, I lose my ring. I back-tracked, spent five minutes in and around the house searching for it. And then, I chose to head out anyway. I decided that the ring would not keep us all from our exciting day. I did my best to be present, and just stay in the moment instead of worrying about a "thing" to which I am deeply attached. This ring has been on me for over ten years. I can honestly say that I am not attached to much "stuff" but this is one of the material things that I would truly hate to lose.

Rewind to the night before. After the kids were in bed, I sat on the couch with my partner, and we tuned into some mindless television while we planned for the weekend festivities. I stumbled upon a not-so-mindless 20/20 show about "families on the edge." Twenty minutes of hearing about homeless families, teens stressed out by their families' financial woes, the economic "crisis" was all I could handle. As I tend to do sometimes, I owned their suffering to the point of physically experiencing pain. My stomach hurt, and my heart ached. I switched off the television, went upstairs to my bed and kneeled down in fervent prayer. "God, help me give more. Help me share myself. Help me feel less burdened by my privilege. Show me ways to give to others in need. Show me how to serve the world better. Show me how to alleviate the pain and suffering of this life for more people."

And, then I wake up the next morning to lose my engagement ring for the first time since I was gifted it. Hmmmm.... message from the Universe? Prayers answered? Despite doing my very best to stay in the moment to enjoy all the "highs" of the day - the swim class, the brunch, the show, friends, children playing - the "low" of losing the ring nagged at me all day. I realized the timing was not coincidental. There was a lesson in this, and I searched for it.

Message I received: Be more detached. Let go of material attachments so that I can do all this more and better. Let go so that I can live with an open mind, hand and heart. Detachment is not about not caring for anything or anyone. It is about letting go so that you can care more. Paradoxical? Maybe. I get it. I am stepping out to let go of what I can so that I can give more freely.

What can you choose to let go of now? How will it serve you (and others) to do this?

Spring Forward

Spring is here. It is also the Iranian and Baha'i New Year. It's a new day... Naw-Ruz in Farsi.

Forget January 1st. Every year, sundown on March 20th marks a new beginning for me.

I really do feel a spring in my step today. I feel my energy shifting, and notice myself flowing... because I am asking myself what new beginnings I want to create now.

Just asking the question, and shifting awareness, is a gift. I am holding on to the idea that new beginnings are possible any time we choose them -- not just on the first day of spring, but any time. Oh, the possibilities. I spring forward just thinking about them!

Without even intending to, I took abundant action on my to do's ... talk about unstuckification...
Sometimes, all it takes is asking myself a question.

I am curious. What new beginnings would you choose today?

Musings on "to do" to "ta da"

I am still playing with this idea. How to get into ta da mode when all I can think is... oh so much to do!

This experiment started not just due to my stuck-ification so to speak but because someone recently pointed out to me how difficult it is for her to complete seemingly simple tasks. For instance, making doctors appointments, paying bills, buying groceries, doing laundry, cleaning out a drawer or returning a call might be "simple" to do's. These do seem like simple and contained tasks. Most people would say, just take care of it. What's the big deal? And yet, for many of us, these are places we get stuck. If these are hard, then can you imagine how more complex tasks like filling out taxes, applying for a job, planning an overseas trip, or marketing a business are super daunting?

I pride myself in being action oriented. I really do think of myself as a take-charge and take care of business kinda person. I am. Most of the time. But, if I were to delve into my list of to do's that have been on my to do's for a good long while, I would be the arch-procrastinator for sure. Here is a small sampling: make dental appointments for the whole family, buy plane tickets to Botswana, revise the monthly budget, clean out the garage, sort through and donate old clothing, re-organize my closet, clear my desk, read a book for a book club, revise my web site... You get the idea.

Here is what shifting perspective from to do to ta da does for this list. I stop beating myself up about why I haven't done these things. Instead, I play with options. I practice patience with myself. Oy! And, I hold the intention to get to all of them -- in time. Does this get things done? Not yet. However, it sure makes me feel less bogged down.

My thought for today on this experiment -- shifting perspective helps shift energy. Instead of being bogged down, I allow myself to flow...