A Blog Do-Over

Some of you might not have realized it, but I actually did take the blog offline yesterday. It was not the only thing I quit. By saying quit, I gave myself permission to let go and walk away from some things getting in my way.

What does it mean to quit? I let go. I let go of the anxiety. I let go of the negative thinking roller-coaster ride. I stopped trying so hard. I realized yesterday (I'm slow sometimes) that trying so hard at so many things is not sustainable. I make so much of an effort and put so much of myself into all that I do. Nobody notices but I have to live with the consequences. And, it is not sustainable. So, I gave myself permission to quit. Quit trying so hard. Quit searching for answers so earnestly. Quit trying to get things right. Quit caring so much.

After I quit, I felt lighter, and liberated.

Among many other things, I let go of the blog. When I began this blog, it was a place to explore the inevitable uncertainties of our lives and future. What I quickly realized, although I might not have said as much explicity, is that making our way has so little to with external factors (like the economy). More on this another time.

What I am learning (stating the obvious) is that regardless of the mess going on around us, making our way is all about what is going on within. I began to ask questions about self-care and authenticity, and living in harmony with values. How would I manifest my gifts in a way that makes a difference in the world. Why? Perhaps, in my non-linear thinking way, I was realizing that making our way through uncertainty is just plain life. There will always be uncertainty, fear, anxiety, and plenty of stuff that life hands us that is beyond our control. Life is uncertain. So, the blog has been about living and learning.

Where are we today? The uncertainty persists. I am still asking questions. Still writing-blogging-journaling-coaching-conversing to work my way through life's maze to carve out a path - an authentic life path.

When I quit yesterday, I realized that I had to let go of certain aspects of the blog without cutting it off completely. Today, I gave it a new name and evolved purpose. You are not going to find fashionable bullet pointed tips. 8 steps to a new me. 14 things to do before you die. 10 ways to making your way in uncertain times. 16 lessons to live by. I just can not bring myself to write the quintessential jazzy image illustrated witty blog. None of that feels authentic to me. During my negative self-questioning period, I told myself that this blog was pointless if it is just a public journal of sorts. Why not just keep a private journal? Nobody is interested in reading my rambling non-linear pontification of various life questions. Nobody comments. No one answers the questions I ask. I do not have the ability to provoke some thought or realization. It feels lonely. So, I quit and took it offline. Briefly.

If the blog is going to cause to ride the self-doubt roller-coaster, it has to go.

Today, I gave myself permission to recuperate it, and continue writing. Four of you follow the blog. That is four people who cared enough about me and what I might have to say to do that. That is not nobody. And, many others read it. You may not tell me that you do. You may not comment. It's not about me. You may simply shrug at my ramblings, but there are people out there who read it. Today, my delightful father who happens to be one of those people who reads it silently sent me note to say that he reads and rereads what I write. I should continue writing because I have things to say that need to be said. How did he know I quit? Did he know? It does not matter. This was a simple message that I needed to hear.

I have made peace with the fact that part of quitting meant that I was feeling lonely in the kitchen. I prepared dishes and placed them on a table. Some were eaten. Some were left untouched. Some disappeared without my knowledge. As the chef experimenting with new dishes and ingredients, I wanted to know: Was something too sour? Was it balanced? Was it just plain awful? Did you savor a morsel? Was something sweet enough for you to share it with someone you care about? Something. Anything. Maybe I even wanted us all to sit down at the table and chow down together. Was I looking for community? I made peace with the idea that on some level, I wanted the blog to feel less lonely and one-sided. I realized that it is not. This was merely my perception resulting from some comparative viewpoint that is not authentic to why I blog. And then, I let it go.

I resurrected the blog today - a new name, new colors and clearer goals. I quit on needing anything back. I quit on feeling lonely in the kitchen. I quit on the anxiety and self-doubt roller-coaster ride. I quit trying so hard. I quit worrying if I got it right.

I will keep writing. I invite you to become a follower, or tune in whenever you are able. I welcome you to comment, write back, share your thoughts, and ask questions. The journey is so much more meaningful when shared. The path clearer when others are working with me. And, I will simply try to keep blogging because it is personally meaningful to me.